The Rules We Don’t Read: Discovering Values Around the Board

This year, I did something that I haven't done since I was a child - I allowed myself to get engrossed in a Christmas board game. It wasn't the game itself that captivated me: I was intrigued by what it sparked in me and my nearest and dearest. I think it was the living embodiment of values, right there on our kitchen table.

Values are the rules of the game we think we’re playing — except most of us haven’t actually read the rule book. They influence every turn, shaped by our past “rounds” and experiences. The danger is assuming you already know which game you’re playing — Monopoly? Chess? Maybe something entirely different.

Our values are judgments about what is (or is not) important to us that shape the way we see the world, make decisions and take (or don't take) action. I realised that as I was playing Azul (I highly recommend this tile-based game) I was motivated to "hack" the system, whereas my husband just wanted to win every round.

But they are more than a set of subconscious rules by which we live our lives. They are dynamic, changing with our life experiences, some pushing us toward things, some holding us back. It's a balance that can bring internal conflict. And we aren't even aware of them most of the time.

That said, we all have a set of core values, the ones we hold with the most importance, the cards we'll never trade. As doctors, we are trained to adhere to certain core values: moral and ethical behaviour, compassion, professionalism and integrity (to name a few). When we become senior clinicians, we are expected to uphold and embody these values to patients, colleagues, employers and society. Some values are not perceived as inherently virtuous as others, but are just as motivating - think of the various reasons to earn income or save money, for example.

What happens when our values conflict with organisational values we are expected to align with? Values conflict is a major cause of distress for doctors, leading to burnout and attrition. This is not as obvious as to spot as you may think. It often manifests as tensions, disagreements and entrenched positions, so if you find yourself in one of these awful but all-too-common scenarios, ask yourself what's really going on here?

That begins by understanding your own values. There are various ways to elicit values, but one of the best is to listen to yourself and to others. Listen out for "value" words - single words that describe a quality or state of being. Words like courage, respect, care, security and commitment. In the context of our Christmas board games, the language of winning and strategy was to be expected, but I noticed it came in different forms: respect for an intelligent and unexpected move, encouragement for a hesitant player or an expression of self-critique (we will come to the all-pervasive inner critic in another post).

Knowing your values is playing the game to your best advantage. You might have a great memory, an inscrutable poker face or an incredible strategic mindset. Your core values guide your purpose and keep you motivated through tough times*. Setting goals that don't align—or even clash—with your values is unlikely to bring success, and even if you do achieve them, you will probably be left feeling dissatisfied.

And once you understand the values that are actually driving all the various agendas, you are in a position to identify what you can actually control and to truly enjoy the game.

*I could have said resilient but that's a word that, in my opinion, is used too often to imply a level of personal deficiency that can be "fixed" - Again, that's for a different post